Friday, August 5, 2011

Facing the White Noise

“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the
same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.” 2 Cor. 3: 18

Occasionally I start to feel white noise in the background of my soul. I drown the spiritual static by listening to music, talk radio, television--I just keep myself busy to avoid thinking and feeling.

Through the years, I have come to recognize this distracted spiritual agitation as God trying to get me to unearth and confront a sin in my life. The months of unconsciously avoiding this needed repentance, repair and reconciliation between God and I is due to the extreme pain it is going to cause--like pulling a huge embedded sticker from my heart. It means some deep, tedious, reflecting analysis of my actions and why I am behaving in such a way. It is time consuming and laborious work--Dorian Grayish.
I HATE when I notice the white noise.... Ah, that is why it can go on for so long, ignored, like a little background dripping you get used to.

The other day, my husband came home and didn’t want to watch Netflix or Real Catholic TV or EWTN. He just sat there quietly and that is when I felt it, the unsettled white noise. I started to cry. Might as well get a head start on the tears as I knew this was the beginning of the suffering.
“AHH! Can’t I just be perfect already? Why can’t I just skip over this earthly purgatory.... Man!” I sighed and just pleaded with God not to make it too bad. What did I need to face and heal?

This time I discovered something I didn’t expect at all. I am hoping that my discovery will help those of you out there or I wouldn’t mention it.

That white noise in my soul, that pain of inner reflection scrambling my thinking, was there when I needed to see the bad in me--- but also--- to my surprise-- the good.

Did you realize that it is just as painful for us to face God’s love for us, our lovableness, as it is to face our un-acceptableness to God? It may sound weird but, in the end, we find that once we endure the full impact of our pride, arrogance and wickedness, which we as Christians expected-- that we then cannot endure the discovery of the depths of being loved.

My purgatory that evening was to walk through the fires of God’s passionate love for me and to let it purify me in a new way--to accept that I am good, that there is something noble and magnificent inside me placed there by God and He gets tired of my self-hatred. (And I wasn’t even aware of my self-hatred.) In fact, He commanded me to fully accept His love.
Did you know that God’s love is so great that it hurts us when we receive it? So we subconsciously avoid the power of His love. I had no idea....
I guess we as humans avoid the extremes and prefer the comfort of living lukewarm. We do not enjoy being stripped bare of our protective facades, either of being not so good or not so bad.

When we are shown our similarities to the Devil and our similarities to God we look away, it is just too dark and too bright. But God wants us to gaze upon both--for it is when we do that we can fall at His feet and live in His glory.

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